It's (not) a thing
by anniegoescrazy
Summary: She slightly shook her head no. They were partners. No way this would work out. She was way too messed up to do this whole relationship thing. [Linstead] (my first fanfic, terrible summary, give it a try)
1. Chapter 1

**AN; Alright, here my first fanfic that is (1) written in English and (2) about Chicago P.D. **

**I own nothing of Chicago P.D.**

Today was a tough day for Detective Lindsay.

The innocent girls, that had died, remembered her of her past. How she could have been one of them. Right now she was sitting in her car outside her apartment, motionless. She felt like crying but she didn't want to give in and let the tears win over her. She wanted to stay strong although she was close to breaking down.

"This is so stupid", she said, "this is not my life anymore. I'm not one of them. Never will be. I'm fine", she actually said these words out loud. Sometimes she just needed to hear her own voice, to calm down.

After what felt like eternity, she decided to get out of the car. She wanted to go straight to bed, sleep over what happened. Tomorrow would be a new day, a better one hopefully.

She couldn't pay attention to anything around her, as she walked up the stairs. She had to focus on not thinking about, well, everything. She finally stood in front of her door, still not paying attention to the world around her. Suddenly she noticed the smell of food, literally right next to her. She turned around and saw her partner sitting on the stairs, his back leaning against the wall.

"Halstead", she was surprised but at the same time glad to see him.

"Lindsay", he sounded emotionless. For a second the look on his face worried her but then he gave her one of his crooked smiles. She smiled back.

"Today sucked", he said, still sitting on the stairs and waiting for his partner to open the door.

Erin wasn't sure how to respond, so she didn't say anything at all. Instead, she opened her door and took the bag of food that was sitting next to Halstead, "What did you get me?", she asked, although she didn't really need an answer because she was already in the kitchen, unpacking her dinner. A lot of dinner – sushi, Chinese and pizza.

"Wasn't sure what you want", he said before he got himself a beer out of her fridge and sat down on her couch.

"You're the best", she looked at him and for just a second it was awkward. She didn't know how much she meant these words until she said them.

"So I've been told"

"Oh, please", she had to laugh.

She walked over to the couch with pizza in one and a beer in the other hand and thought about the other day, when he was sitting there, giving her the same smile. She had to go and he left, like he told her he would. Still, when she came home, a part of her was hoping for him to be there.

She slightly shook her head no. They were partners. No way in hell this would work out. She was way too messed up to do this whole relationship thing.

She sat down next to him and he looked at her. Again he smiled, but this smile was different. It wasn't crooked or teasing. It was more caring. Loving.

"You know, you don't have to talk about it", he said after a while. He knew that she was looking for words to explain her little freak-out earlier that day.

"I wasn't going to",she snapped back. She wasn't gonna let her guard down. Not in front of Jay.

They looked at each other, suddenly all serious. She could get lost in his eyes. In her mind she played through all the ways, this situation could end. Her favorite was the one of him pulling her close and just letting everything go. Holding her, locking his arms around her waist, pressing his lips on hers. She looked away and bit her lip, that was not going to happen.

**-x-**

**I hope you guys liked it. Pleeeeease review. :)**


	2. Chapter 2

New Chapter! (:  
I still don't own anything!

* * *

Was that just him or did she feel it, too? This thing between them. No, it was not a thing. It couldn't be a thing. He would lose his job, what didn't matter because Voight would kill him anyway. Plus, she probably didn't feel it. With that in mind, Halstead turned his head back to the TV. Some show was on but he couldn't focus enough to actually listen to it. She was so close, their shoulders touched.

They continued watching the show in silence. Sometime after midnight Erin fell asleep, her head resting on Jay's shoulder. He wasn't sure what to do now, since he didn't wanna wake her up. He knew the last couple of days had been really hard for Lindsay, she needed the sleep. So he sat there, on her couch, drinking his beer and looking at the TV without actually watching the show. After a few hours he decided to get up. He laid her down, carefully, placed a pillow under her head and covered her with a blanket. Jay got down on his knees right next to her face and looked at her. He brushed a strand of her hair from her face.

'She looks so peaceful', he noticed, 'and I'm a creep', he added quickly to himself.

He smiled at her one last time before he got up to leave her apartment. As he approached the door he could hear something. Something undefinable. It was some kind of shivering, maybe whining.

He turned around and walked back into the living room, where he saw Lindsay. She had a bad dream, her whole body was shaking and Jay could hear her whisper "no, don't, no".

Sitting down next to her, he laid both his hands on her shoulders and tried to calm her down. "Lindsay, hey, it's alright. Just a dream."

She slowly opened her eyes a little and looked at him.

"It's alright, you just had a bad dream", he repeated.

As she closed her eyes to doze off again, he got up to finally leave, but she reached for his hand.

"Don't go", she whispered and went back to sleep.

Halstead did as he was told. He couldn't sleep anyways, so why bother going back to his place? Besides, he was worried about Erin, he wanted to keep an eye on her.

The rest of the night was calm. He sat at the window, looking out on the city. It was a beautiful view. Every now and then he got up to check on his partner.

* * *

She woke up to the smell of coffee and scrambled eggs. Erin sat up to see her partner handling a pan, plates and a mug all at the same time. He was kinda cute.

"Morning", he didn't look at her, instead he pulled a fork out of a drawer and tried the eggs.

"I hope these are not from my fridge", her voice was even raspier in the morning.

"No", he laughed, "didn't wanna get a food poisoning".

She smiled. She remembered last night. How she laid her head down on his shoulder and slowly fell asleep. How she woke up while he laid her down, but she didn't want to, uh, destroy the moment. She liked him taking care of her, but she wouldn't show that. She also remembered how she told him to stay, she was happy he did.

Thankful she took the coffee he gave her and took a few sips before she disappeared in the bathroom. She looked in the mirror over the sink. Did he feel that, too? That thing between them? There couldn't be a thing, she reminded herself. It wasn't a thing.

15 minutes later she was dressed and done eating her breakfast, ready to go to work. They didn't talk much in the morning. It wasn't an awkward silence or anything. It was nice. They stopped at his place, so he could get a change of clothes and then they went to work.

* * *

What do you think so far? Hope you like it. Sorry, but for some reason I only write short chapters. :b


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3. :)  
Rights haven't changed, I don't own any of the characters. :b

* * *

As they walked into their office, the rest of the unit was already on their way out.

"Bower's making a move. Address on your phones. Get your asses in the car. NOW!", Voight said while passing them. A minute later, Lindsay and Halstead were in the car on their way to bust Bower. He was a nasty little drug dealer. Couple weeks ago they found the bodies of two 13year-olds, died of an overdose. Evidence lead to Bower, but they didn't have enough to convict him. They had been observing him since, and this morning one of their C.I.'s called in with new information. Bower was about to make a move. Apparently his shipment from Colombia is on the way and he'll be at a warehouse to get it.

The team parked their cars far enough from the warehouse, so no one could see them. They walked a little closer and then got into position. When the time came, their plan was to approach the drug deal from three different sides, giving the criminals no chance to run. But for now, they had to wait.

Lindsay and Halstead were in position, observing the scene. So far, no one was there. After a while Lindsay turned her head from the scene, towards her partner.

"Hey Halstead.", she had his full attention, even though he didn't take his eyes off the warehouse, "where did you sleep last night?"

"What?", he looked at her, a question mark basically written over his head.

"Just wondering. Since I slept on the couch and you didn't sleep in my bed", she tried to make it sound casual, but it had bugged her since she woke up.

"Oh yeah. The floor. You know, in case you had another bad dream or something", Jay's eyes where fixed on the scene again.

"Huh.", Erin didn't believe him. Maybe he liked to play tough guy, but her apartment floor was really not that comfortable. Or clean, for that matter.

A black car rolled in front of the warehouse, leaving Lindsay no time to ask her partner another question. Now she had to be focused on the job.

Another car, blue, rolled in the scene. The deal was about to go down. The team stayed in contact via walkie-talkies, while they watched two men getting out of the car. One of them they could identify as Bower. After them, a couple of dangerous-looking guys got out of each car. The men that got out first both had suitcases in their hands. As soon as they opened them, Voight gave his team a "Go! Careful guys."

Voight and Antonio, and Olinsky and Ruzek came closer from both sides of the cars. It went down pretty quick. The guys standing next to the cars got down on their knees instantly. Bower tried to run, but Antonio was faster.

Erin and Jay went through the warehouse. What they didn't know was that one of the guys with a suitcase, not Bower, the other one, hid inside as soon as the other two teams came close.

He fired the first shot. Jay instantly turned around and pushed Erin to the side, so she wouldn't get hit. She fell on the ground, while Jay and the guy shot alternately.

Ruzek and Voight went in, as soon as they heard the gunfire. Together they managed to take down the drug dealer.

While they brought him outside, Erin got up and walked towards the door.

"Hey hero. I can defend myself, you know. No need to push me around like that", she was clearly upset. She liked the way he cared about her, she really did, but she wasn't in this job for nothing. Besides, she'd handled worse situations before.

"Sorry. Protective reflexes or something", he said, then groaned.

"You okay?", Lindsay was worried, so she turned around to see her partner leaning against the wall.

"Stings a little",he laughed a little, then walked towards his partner. As he came closer, Erin saw the red on his shirt. Blood.

"Shit. Voight! Ambulance!", she screamed out of the door, then she turned back to Jay. He squinted his eyes. It hurt. He couldn't even tell where, it just hurt.

"You idiot. That's what you have a partner for, you know. So someone has your back and shit like that doesn't happen", she got angry when she was worried. Some kind of defense mechanism.

He just looked at her, she was cute when she got all angry. Just like when she was nervous. Or upset. Or worried. Or anything else. 'Seriously?', Jay asked himself, 'just got shot and all I think about is her. The hell is wrong with me?'

The siren of the ambulance interrupted his thoughts.

Erin insisted of riding with him to the hospital. Throughout the drive, she took his hand and looked at him. She could see his pain. He could tell that she was worried, he believed he even her eyes tear up a little. Then everything went black.

* * *

Oh, oh. That doesn't sound to good, does it? :/

Thank you guys for all the views, follows, favorites and reviews. :)


	4. Chapter 4

The italic-written part is the flashback. Hope you like it. I don't own anything.

* * *

She'd been sitting there for hours now, looking at all the people walking by, and couldn't stop crying. 'Why didn't I go in first? Why did that idiot have to push me away? Why didn't I get up quicker?', her thoughts killed her.

Voight walked in the door. Erin was like his daughter, he loved her. To see her being so sad, upset and messed up, it broke his heart. He sat down next to her and put his arm around her shoulder, trying to calm her down. Still crying, she laid her head down on Voight's shoulder and closed her eyes. She remembered a night, a couple weeks ago, short after Jules' death.

_"You wanna hang out tonight? Go to Molly's or something?", Halstead asked after work._

_"Sure. I could use some drinks", she couldn't just use some drinks, she NEEDED them._

_So they went to Molly's and had a beer or two, before they changed to some harder liquor. Jules' death was hard on them, especially on Erin. Jules was important to her, since she wasn't exactly the person to easily make girlfriends. They talked about her for a while, telling each other funny stories or what they used to do with her. After a while, they could feel the mood switch from happy and funny to sad and somewhat depressing. Looking around the bar, they both tried to find something to talk about._

_"I always wanted to be a unicorn", Jay said after a while, partly, because he wanted to see his partner laugh again and partly because he'd been drinking a little too much._

_Erin laughed, but then she got into his little game, "A unicorn, huh? Very masculine", she laughed again. "How come?"_

_"Don't you think it'd be cool to literally stab people with your head?", he looked at her in all seriousness, then they both started laughing. So they went on, talking about random stuff, telling each other jokes and making the other one laugh._

_After a while Herrmann came up to them._

_"You know, I hate to break it to you, but we're kinda closing right now. I called you a cab, though", he had already been cleaning up the bar, the cops were the last thing that held him from finally going home to his family._

_In the cab, Erin laid her head against his shoulder. Oh, how she needed a night out._

_"Thanks", she whispered._

_"Always", he responded instantly._

_She looked up at him, he looked down on her. They had one of these moments, where they just both got lost in each others eyes. The cab stopped at her apartment, interrupting their moment. She looked at him for another second, then outside, then back at Jay, "Another round?", she didn't want the night to end just yet. He didn't either, so he agreed._

_Upstairs in her apartment, she brought out a vodka bottle from under the sink and two shot glasses. They turned on the TV and watched a show. Everytime they heard a certain word, they drank. At some point they didn't really care about the words anymore. At another point, they weren't able to pour the vodka anymore. Anyways, they ended up sitting on the floor, looking out over the city for hours, until sunrise._

She regretted that she never actually told him her story. That she never asked about his. That she didn't even ask him why he didn't sleep last night. That she never told him this one joke she heard last week. She even regretted that she didn't let him drive once in a while. But mostly, she regretted that she didn't kiss him that night, when they were looking out of the window.

* * *

So yeah, I thought I'd make this an extra chapter. Writing this honestly got me thinking. I know it's a TV show, so this won't happen. But theoretically, they are cops. What if one of them just dies, leaving the other one behind? I guess, life is just too short to not say the things we want to say and do the things we want to do.

Next chapter is already halfway written. (:


	5. Chapter 5

**Alright, here goes the next chapter. I really hope you like it. Thanks again for every review, favorite, follow and view. (:**

* * *

She opened her eyes again; her vision blurry from her tears, she could still make out the white crocs, the nurses wore around here, so she looked up.

"Family of Jay Halstead?", the nurse asked with a very warm, friendly voice and a smile in her face.

"Colleagues, Chicago PD", Voight showed his badge.

"Okay", the nurse, her name was Kelly, wasn't sure if she could talk to them. Feeling more and more uncomfortable with Voight staring at her, pointing at his badge, she figured it would be fine, since there was no one else here for him, "We had to do emergency surgery on your colleague. The bullet was in his abdominal area...", Kelly continued talking, but Erin didn't want to hear it. She continued listening to the still smiling nurse, but she tried not to focus on it too much.

After a minute or two Erin overheard the words she wanted to hear the least, "There were some complications.", now the nurse had Erin's full attention.

"Wait...Complications? Wh- What does that mean? Is he.. I mean.. Did he..?", she stared at the nurse. For the next few seconds, she felt like breaking down, like someone ripped out her guts. She was in some kind of a shock, unable to move, cry or think. In her mind she replayed the scene from earlier, how she heard the shot but didn't get up, how he was leaning against the wall, how he walked towards her and she could see the blood on his shirt, how he went unconscious in the ambulance.

"Our doctors were able to remove the bullet. He is fine as far as we know, he'll need time to wake up and we'll go from there. If you want to, you can wait in his room now", the nurse smiled at Lindsay one last time, nodded at Voight and went on.

Relief. Lindsay got up to walk in his room but then she turned around. Voight had gotten up behind her and was ready to accompany her.

"I think you better stay hear", her voice was raspier than usual and she had to make an effort to make it audible.

"Erin", he simply said. It broke his heart to see her like that and he honestly didn't want to leave her alone. He put one hand on her shoulder but she shrugged it off.

"Voight", her voice sounded strong this time, telling him to seriously back off.

* * *

Halstead slowly opened his eyes. He felt numb for a second, couldn't remember what happened or where he was. He was confused and just about to say something when it all came back: the warehouse, the shooting, the ambulance and now the pain. Feeling a little paralyzed, he couldn't move his head just yet. Nevertheless Jay felt his partners hand on his, holding it tightly. Now he tried moving his head a little, just to see her head on her hand. He tried to sit up a bit, but Lindsay reacted instantly: her hand on his chest she pushed him down, back into his pillows.

"Hey, slowly", she smiled at him.

"I thought I lost you there, for a moment.", she laughed a little, trying hard to make it sound funny or casual, but he could see that she'd been crying.

"You're not getting rid of me that easily", it hurt to talk but seeing her smile was worth it, "At least not without letting me drive first.", he laughed a little at his own joke, then winced. Laughing hurt even more.

"In that case, I'm never gonna let you drive. Ever", she handed him a glass of water with a straw, to clear his throat. She couldn't help but smile, knowing that he was okay. She could even feel her eyes tearing up a little, this time out of happiness.

"Yeah. Didn't think so", again they smiled at each other.

Their teasing was interrupted by a nurse, that came in to check on Halstead.

"How are we feeling? Everything alright? Is the pain too much?", she asked like she talked to a five-year-old, with a bright smile on her face.

"Oh, _we_ are doing just fine", Halstead replied, over-stressing the 'we', which made Lindsay chuckle.

She sat down and looked at him, as the nurse asked Jay more questions and started doing little tests with him to make out his pain level.

When she was done she turned to Lindsay, "Visiting hours are over, I'm sorry but I have to ask you to leave", she smiled at the Detective. Lindsay nodded back, giving her a look that said, "Give me just one more minute alone with him and I'll be out."

'I'm glad you're okay', was what she wanted to say but instead she could hear herself saying,"You should probably get some sleep.", she smiled and went out the door.

* * *

He kept staring at the door for a few minutes, hoping for her to get back in, saying something else, something better, something he wanted to hear her say. After a while his meds kicked in and he dozed off to La-La-Land without realizing it.

* * *

Back at her apartment she didn't even make the effort to change into different clothes. She just kicked her shoes off and fell right into her bed. Laying there, her mind just wouldn't shut up.

_'You should probably get some sleep' Seriously? From all the things I could have said, all the things I wanted to say, I said that. What's wrong with me? Oh god, why can't I be a normal person, a normal partner at least. I mean, he just got shot while I was with him, I could have at least apologized for that, right? Wait, what!? NO! This idiot pushed me away. That's why he got shot. Who's so freaking stupid?_

These thoughts repeated over and over as the night went by. It was around 3am when she finally fell asleep.

* * *

**It would mean the world to me if you left a review. I'd like to write a little more detailed, but most of the time I'm missing the English words or don't know how to put it, so this seems to be like all I can give at the moment, sorry for that.**


	6. Chapter 6

**So, I decided to get a little into Erin's head. I just tried to imagine what she would feel like after her partner got shot, especially since she cares so much about him. So here you go!**

**I don't own anything!**

* * *

It had been a long, not at all busy day at work, which Erin was glad of, since she couldn't really concentrate anyways. The whole Jay-getting-shot-and-nearly-killed-thing was three days ago and she hadn't visited him since. Everything she felt had just made her insecure about it. About the thing they had, which wasn't a thing, because it couldn't be a thing. What messed her up so much was her desire for it to be a thing. Leaning back in her chair, she put her head back and sighed. She thought about all the feelings she had in the past couple days.

_Fear._ She remembered how worried she was, the moment she realized the red color on Jay's shirt was blood, his blood. The few minutes that the ambulance needed to get there, seemed like eternity to her. They had laid him down outside and Erin was leaning over him.

"Give me that", she said, pointing at Ruzek's cardigan-sweater-vest. He looked at her questioning for a split second, until he realized that she wanted it to stop the pressure. He quickly handed it over, and Lindsay took it with one hand while she lifted up Jay's shirt with the other one.

She pressed down as hard as she could, while she felt the guys just staring at her. No one tried to help her, because they all knew she would snap them off. The next two minutes she spent pressing down the shirt, mumbling inaudible words.

"Jay, you with me?", she usually didn't call him by his first name, but when things got serious, she did.

When the ambulance arrived, she just stood there, watching Gabby and Shay putting him on the stretcher, with the help of Antonio and Ruzek. She insisted of riding with him in the back, and good for her she didn't have a lot of convincing to do. She just gave Gabby a look and hopped in the ambulance. When she grabbed Jay's hand, she could feel her eyes tear up a little, before she burst out crying when he went unconscious.

_Uncertainty._ The worst part was the wait. Sitting there, not knowing what was going on, was killing her. Erin didn't know if he was gonna make it, if she would ever see him again, his smile, his incredible eyes. She didn't know if they were ever going to have one of these teasing conversations again, that always made her day. Or if they were ever going to have one of these moments again, one of _their_ moments. She couldn't stop crying and she felt this undefinable pain in her stomach. It stayed there until the nurse came to tell them Jay was okay.

_Regret_. While she was sitting there in the waiting room, she had enough time to think about the time she'd had with Jay. In her mind, she played through all the what-ifs and the 'what-if-he's-not-gonna-make-it' scenario stuck with her. She regretted all the things, that she hadn't done or said.

And as she was sitting at her desk now, she added one thing to her list: not telling him how she felt in the hospital.

_Relief_. "Our doctors were able to remove the bullet." - 'Thank goodness. Oh. Thank. God. He's okay. He will be there. He will be okay. We will be okay.', were her first thoughts. Although just a couple seconds later, it was like the shift in her mindset had never happened. She still wanted to talk to him, but the urge to tell him all the things she felt, it as gone. She was gonna worry about that some other time, for now she was just glad to know him safe.

_Guilt_. As much as she tried, she couldn't stop blaming herself. If only she would have gone in first, or pushed herself up faster. Why for heaven's sake did she lie on the ground for so long? It's not like she hurt herself when she fell, no not at all. But she hurt him by not getting up, not being there to back him up. She should have been right next to him, helping him taking the guy down. Instead, she took a little break on the warehouse floor. She just couldn't get over it. This was her fault.

_Anger_. Although she blamed herself for the greatest part of Jay's near-death-experience, she couldn't help but being mad at him. What the hell was going on with him? Who did he think his is, pushing her away like that?

He had risked his life and it was damn close. This could have ended so much worse; Jay could have died.

She couldn't understand why he would do that, act so unprofessionally. That wasn't like him at all. She knew partners are supposed to have each others back, when you go into a building like that, you're responsible for your partner's life. But there was no way the bullet would have hit her. By pushing her away, Jay just walked right into it. Why wasn't he even wearing a vest? Was he on a suicide mission? What kind of lunatic just puts his life on risk like that?

When he was good enough to get out of his bed again, she would kick his ass, that's for sure. Well, when she decided to visit him again.

* * *

**What do you think? Does that sum it up pretty good? I'd love to hear what you think! Next chapter is going to be Lindstead again, not just her. :)**


	7. Chapter 7

**Alright, I'm sorry it took so long, I wasn't sure what to do next. But now I have a pretty good plan for the story. I hope you enjoy it. Leave a review. (: xoxo**

* * *

Taking a deep breath, she raised her look from her lap to the stirring wheel of her car. Another deep breath, her hand wanders to the door handle. Another deep breath, she slowly opens the door of her car. Just a second later she closes it and hits her head against the stirring wheel, causing her horn to go off. Shocked by the sound she shrank back into her seat.

'Pull yourself together Erin!', she thought, finally opening her door for good and getting out of the car.

She walked the few stepped to the main entrance and immediately took a left, so she didn't have to go to the main desk and wait forever. When anyone would try to hold her back and ask her where she was going, she would just flash her badge – that always worked. The hallways were empty, when she finally reached the room she was looking for. Her hand was resting on the door knob, as she took a last deep breath and finally walked into room 153 – Jay's room.

She expected so much from this moment. In the second it took her to open the door, she pictured his blue eyes staring at her, his irresistible smile, his voice, that made her feel safe. In this second, she wondered why she didn't come in earlier, realizing just how much she'd missed him the past few days at work.

Then reality hit her, and it hit her hard. The door was now open, she had a perfectly clear look at the room. Unexpectedly, it was filled with people. They were all wearing scrubs and everyone was yelling.

It took Erin a while to figure out what was going on. A nurse came up to her, Kelly, the nurse she already knew. "I'm sorry honey, but you're not supposed to be here right now. You shouldn't see this!", her voice was less warm now. Less happy. Less of that 'everything-is-gonna-be-just-fine-tone' in there.

Erin was speechless. She opened her mouth, wanting to ask something, say something, yell something, but no noise came out. Leading her, against her will of course, out of the room the nurse continued talking, "He was doing great, but a couple of minutes ago, when I went in to check on him, he was unconscious. The doctors assume that his stitches opened up, causing internal bleeding."

Hearing the noise behind them, both women turned their head. Erin felt a tear rolling down her cheek, as she saw Jay's bed getting rolled out of the room. There it was again, the pain in her stomach. Uncertainty. She wanted him to be fine. She needed him to be fine.

Sitting in the waiting area, she told herself that, considering his past, he'd been through so much, he would handle this, too. Jay was tough, even though he was better at showing his soft side now and then, he was tough, he was able to handle a lot of things. Hopefully this was one of those things.

Her phone rang. Without even giving her a chance to say anything, the man on the other side of the phone said, "I need you right now.", and hung up. Then she got a text, _'Molly's. 30 minutes_.'

'Great', she thought. 'Best timing ever.' But hey, at least that way she might get a little distraction. On her way out, she asked the nurse to call her as soon as Jay got out of surgery. Giving her a little smile and a nod, Erin left the hospital, walked to her car and drove to Molly's.

As she walked in, she could already see Severide sitting at a table.

"Hey.", he really didn't sound okay, still he tried to give her a smile.

"Hey.", she replied, trying to make him feel better, which is a hard thing to do by saying only one word.

"Thanks for coming."

"Yeah sure, what's up?", she sat down across the table.

"Listen, Erin. I have.. I mean I don't know if.. it's just.. I..", he didn't know how to say what he needed to say, but Erin could see it was something important. Resting his head in his head, he rubbed his forehead. "Keeler.", he finally said, "I can't handle it. He's out there and I'm freaking out!", she could hear so many different emotions in just those two sentences, it made her want to hug him, telling him everything was gonna be fine.

"I get it Kelly," she said instead, "We'll get that son of a bitch. Sit tight."

"That's the thing.."

"What did you do?", the tone in her voice changed.

"What? Nothing. I didn't do anything. Yet. You need to keep me from doing something stupid.", again, there were a thousand emotions in his words.

"How am I supposed to do that?", she wanted to help him, she really did, but she didn't quite understand what he was asking for.

"Just stay here with me for a bit, would ya?", he was clearly uncomfortable asking her that kind of favor.

"You know, that's not exactly the way to ask a girl on a date", she said, hoping he'd find it funny – which he did.

They sat there, talking for about one and a half hours, before her phone rang. "I gotta go. I'm so sorry. Really.", she said, actually meaning it.

"It's alright... Thanks.", he gave her a smile. A cute one, she had to admit. Right before she went out the door, he called after her, "About that date thing. You free on Friday?"

Not really knowing what to say, she nodded at him, smiled and went outside. Jogging to her car she wondered if she really just agreed to go on a date with a firefighter. After a few seconds she decided she didn't have time to think about that. She got into her car and drove as fast as she could. She needed to see him. Right now.

* * *

She opened the door slowly and stuck her head inside his room. Although the nurse told her that he was unconscious, she still had hopes. Her hopes got shattered. She walked into the room, and just looked at him for a minute. When she could feel a tear running down her cheek and taste the salt in the corner of her mouth, she pulled a chair as close as possible to his bed and sat down. Once again, she started regretting everything. She couldn't believe how stupid she was, not going back into his room the week before. How stupid she was, not visiting him. Oh boy, she really was a mess. As her fore- and middle finger started running up and down his arm, she put her other hand on his, and held it.

"Hey.", her voice was breaking a little. "Squeeze if you can here me?" - nothing. "It always works in the movies", she said quietly.

After a while she found her voice again, "Work was boring, the last couple of days. I missed you there, you know? As my partner, I mean. I guess that's what I mean... This is wrong, Jay. You shouldn't be here. If someone, it should have been me. Although, you really are an idiot for pushing me", she smiled a little.

She knew she didn't have that much time left, before visiting hours were over, so she moved her hand from his hand up to his face, her forefinger stroking his cheek. "I missed you," she whispered into his ear, before pressing her lips softly against his cheek, then she left.

Later that very same night, she got a phone call, that he woke up. Life was good again. It seemed amazing to her, how her mood could light up that much, in just a matter of seconds. Although, after today, she felt like it would be even harder to go visit him again. She would wait a bit before going. Or maybe she just wouldn't go.

* * *

**I hope you liked it. (:**


	8. Chapter 8

**I own nothing!**

**Alright, here you go. Once again: thank you for all the follows, favs and reviews. It means the world to me (especially because I feel like my lack of vocabs limits my writing, but oh well). xoxo**

* * *

"Took you a while.", he stated without even looking up from his magazine.

As much as she wanted to say something sassy, she felt too guilty, "Busy at work, ya know?"

"Yah", now he smiled at her, although he knew her excuse was a lie. They hadn't have a big case in quite a while, she wasn't busy at all. It was already Friday, which meant that she had just decided not to visit him the past week. But he was okay with that, because he knew she had her reasons. She always had.

Sitting down next to him, she smiled, knowing he had recovered extremely quick from his injury.

"You're an idiot", she said, lightly hitting his chest.

"Wow, really? Beating the guy, who's already in hospital. Classy, Detective Lindsay, real classy!", he had missed her, and their conversations. She was so easy to talk to, always fun. Although the fun-part probably came from the fact that they just never talked real, serious, personal issues. She didn't know about his little brother or his PTSD. He didn't know about her life as a street kid, or about her family. It didn't matter though, not for right now at least.

He had missed her anyways. Just like she had missed him.

"As soon as you can move your ass outta here, I'll kick it.", once again, her worry made her angry.

"You like it, huh?", he looked at her, but she couldn't really identify his facial expression.

"Kicking your ass?", she said, expecting either his surrender or at least an 'Ouch' as an answer.

"No, just my ass, without the kicking part."

"Oh God", she laughed, "Get over yourself."

Before he could say another word, a doctor came in, "Good evening, Detective.", he greeted Halstead.

"What's up, doc?", Jay really liked this guy. Well, he did save his life. Twice.

"Looks like you're fine.", the doctor said, sounding a little bit surprised, "Better than I expected you to be", he continued, reading the results from a check-up earlier this afternoon, "Way better..."

"You saying I can go home?", although everyone was especially nice to him, he couldn't wait to get out of this place.

"Well, you'd need someone to take care of you, at least tonight.", the doc said, looking up to Lindsay, expecting her to be Jay's girlfriend.

Following the doctor's look, Jay looked at his partner, asking – no, begging – her to take him home.

"I..."

"... she'll do it. I'm pretty sure she was a nurse in a former life.", Jay said, cutting Erin off. He didn't want to give her the chance to say 'no'.

In disbelief, Erin stared at her partner. Did he seriously just do that? She sighed. Great. That was probably just Karma getting back at her for not being there for him.

Only 10 minutes later, Erin found herself rolling Jay to the hospital door in a wheelchair. Without problems, he got up and walked with her to her car. They got in and she started the car. For just a second they looked at each other and their eyes locked, then she started driving. Neither of them could manage to start a conversation, so they drove in silence. After parking the car in front of Jay's apartment, Erin got out of the car, wanting to help her partner, who was surprisingly already out.

"Why did they even keep you there that long?", she wondered.

"Well, I did nearly die. Twice. Within one week", he said, giving her a little laugh. Nodding towards her car, he continued, "You can go home, Lindsay. I'll be fine"

"You're kidding, right?", she said, somewhat serious, somewhat laughing.

"It's not like..."

"You're gonna die? Right. That just happened. Twice. Within one week", there was no way, she would leave him alone tonight.

"Alright. You win", he smiled, finally getting out his keys, walking towards the door of his apartment complex.

"Of course I do. I always do", she mumbled to herself, while following her partner inside.

As she stepped inside, she realized that she'd never really been here before. He'd been over at her place lots of times, but she never came to see his apartment. It was nice, although, a little impersonal. There were two little pictures on a side stand, close to no decoration on the wall, no flowers, nothing.

"Have a seat", he said smiling, nodding in the direction of his couch while approaching the fridge.

"Don't you get yourself a beer!", she said disbelievingly.

"Oh, come on, mom", he joked. He knew she was gonna stop him from mixing his meds with alcohol, but it was still worth a try.

"Don't push it, Halstead", she said in all seriousness.

"Movie?", he simply replied. She nodded.

As they sat down on the couch, close enough their arms would touch, all Erin could think was, 'We're partners. This can't happen. I shouldn't have stayed here. This is not a thing!'

But she knew just as well, that she couldn't leave. What if something happened to him? It would be her fault, for not being here. So she stayed.

Just when the movie started, she realized it was a horror movie. Erin usually liked scary movies. With a group of people at least. And a little something to drink. Halfway through the film, she cuddled up with Halstead. She laid her head on his chest, holding her hands before her face, as she tried to watch the movie through her fingers.

Jay liked having her close, it just felt right to him. He remembered how he woke up in the hospital, and she was sitting there, holding his hand, telling him how boring work was. He remembered her kissing his cheek, telling him she missed him. He wanted to tell her the same, wanted her lips to stay on his cheek, eventually moving towards his lips, but he couldn't move. And even if he could have moved, he probably wouldn't have. Just because.

So for now, he just laid an arm around her and pressed her a little closer to his body, giving her a new feeling. The feeling of safety.

* * *

**Ooooh, I feel Lindstead happening. You, too? But wait a second? Wasn't she supposed to go on a date with Kelly? Oh uh. Lindstead or Lindseride, what do you think? :)**


	9. Chapter 9

**I was thinking for a pretty long time about making this a Lindseride story. I don't know, it just came when I wrote it. Buuuut, you guys are right (of course). Lindstead all the way. (I might rewrite this chapter with Kelly in it, as another FanFic.) Anyways, here you go. Hope you like it. xoxo**

* * *

She opened her eyes and closed them again immediately. The sun was shining right in her face. She gave it another try, this time squinting her eyes. 'Better.', she thought. Slowly she opened her eyes a little wider, and wider, until she could finally see the room she was in. His bedroom. She smiled, remembering the night before.

_"Okaaay", said Halstead, quickly pressing the power button on his remote control._

_"Oh, please. Don't tell me you were scared", Erin chuckled._

_"Scared? Me? At least I actually watched the movie", he said, still holding her close._

_"I did watch it!", she protested, stirring a little in his arms. She was now laying with her chest on his, able to look him in the eyes._

_"Yeah right", there it was again. The smile that she'd missed so incredibly much. The smile that made her world a little better. The smile that made her worries go away. The smile that made her smile. The smile that made her feel safe. The smile that told her 'everything will be okay'._

_"What are you smiling about?", her tone changed, her voice was softer now._

_"You.", he replied instantly._

_Although she knew something like that was coming, it hit her off guard. Just now she realized how close they were. Her nose only inches from his face. Her lips only inches from his. This could be the moment she'd been waiting for, since they were made partners. This could finally be a real thing. This... it could be. No. No, no, no, no. No! They were partners, this couldn't be a thing. If she kissed him now, it would change everything._

_God, how he was waiting for this moment. For her to be here with him. To be so close. All it took now, were a couple of inches. Inches, he wanted to close up so badly, but once again he chickened out. Instead, he watched her sitting up. _

_Somewhat blushing, she said, "Well, it's pretty late, huh?"_

_"You wanna go home?"_

_"No.. I told you I'd stay. Besides, it's a little too late for that."_

'Shit! What time is it?', the thought of being late for work brought her back into the presence. She got up a little too quick and fell right back into the bed, her head spinning. Was she hungover? No, couldn't be. She didn't even let him have a beer last night. Maybe she was just tired. Exhausted. She didn't exactly get much sleep last night. Just now she noticed that the bed was empty. She got up again. Throwing on some shirt she found on the floor, she walked into the living room area, hoping to find her phone. There it was, on the counter. As she took it off the counter, she saw a little piece of paper laying next to it. She picked it up and read;

**You got the day off. Your dad called me in early, tho.**

"Not my dad", she mumbled before reading the rest.

**In case he found out; it was real nice knowing you, Erin Lindsay.  
At least we had last night. Totally worth it.  
~ J**

_"It's never too late", he answered. In his voice, she could hear the emotions, just like she heard Kelly's. But there was so much more to those four words. He didn't mean 'It's never too late to go home', right? He meant 'It's never too late.' Like in 'It's never too late to just go for it and freaking kiss him already.' Or maybe that's not what he meant. Erin was confused. She didn't really think he felt that way, even though she couldn't deny the chemistry between the two of them. She had no idea how bad he wanted it. How bad he wanted her._

_"Never too late, huh?", she just said, it came out more like a whisper, hoping he would just say what was going on between them, because she wasn't the emotion-showing, 'let's-talk-about-it' kinda girl._

_"Never.", he repeated._

_She didn't realize that they were coming closer to each other, until he finally closed all the distance. As he cupped her face with one of his hands, the other one still somewhat laying on her hip, he kissed her. A little soft, insecure at first. But as he realized that there was no danger of her pushing him away, he deepened the kiss. After a few seconds, he pulled away to catch his breath, his forehead leaning against hers. She looked up, into his eyes, like she needed confirmation. Confirmation, that this was happening. Confirmation, that he wanted this to happen. And he did. And she knew it. This time she was the one closing the distance, kissing him passionately. Without breaking the kiss, she moved over to straddle him._

_"I feel like my high school dreams finally come true", he managed to bring out, in between kisses._

_"Oh yeah?", she pulled away just to look at him, raising an eyebrow._

_"Sure", he said, giving her one of his crooked smiles, "making out with the pretty cheerleader is every boy's dream."_

_"Never been a cheerleader. Sorry", she laughed a little._

_"Don't ruin it", he smiled before he pulled her in for another kiss._

_With one of his hands, he pulled up her shirt a little while the other one was sliding from her hips towards her breasts. Her arms loosely wrapped around his neck, she couldn't get enough. For one last time he pulled back, giving her a questioning look. She answered it with a smile, before she leaned in again to kiss him. As he got up, she wrapped her legs around his waist and she could feel his arms locking around hers._

The sound of her vibrating phone brought her back to the presence.

"Yeah?", she answered, "Okay... Wait, WHAT?! Shit. I'll be right there"

'Didn't get the day off, after all', she thought as she grabbed her clothes, got dressed as fast as she could and left Jay's apartment. She had to hurry.

* * *

**It happened! (I feel like I don't do them justice, though) However, I hope you liked it. Leave a review. (:**


	10. Chapter 10

**This took me longer than I thought, sorry, but here you go. Thanks for the reads and reviews. Means the world to me, really! xoxo **

I OWN NOTHING OF CHICAGO PD

* * *

This day was going to suck. Erin knew that the moment she heard Voight's voice on the other side of the phone. For a moment she was scared something was wrong with Halstead. He just came out of the hospital, he wasn't supposed to work for a while. Still, Voight had called him and Lindsay had no idea why.

As she drove to meet up with her boss, her mind was drifting off to the card from Jay. 'Totally worth it', she repeated in her head. Last night was good. Amazing, actually. It was definitely what she needed, and also what she'd wanted for a long time. But was it going to work out? Maybe, maybe not. Was it going to last? Probably not. Was it going to destroy their friendship? Definitely. If she pretended it never happened, could she make it go away? Well, she could try.

Shit. Why did she let it happen? Yesterday she decided not to overthink it, to go with it, to have a good time and to enjoy what she had waited for long enough . But now... ugh.

She didn't have any more time to think about it, when she parked her car next to the address Voight had given her. He was already there, waiting for her in front of the house. Erin took a look around. It was a bad neighborhood. The kind she grew up in. The kind where she would buy her drugs in the alleyways. She walked towards Voight, silently thanking God, that this man came into her life and helped her getting out of this kind of place.

"Hey, I came as fast as I could", she said, with an awkward fake smile on her face.

"She's inside. You should do this on you own, kiddo", Voight just said, nodding towards the door.

He could see the pain in her eyes. She was tough, but no one could be so tough to go through what she's been through and not feel the pain. It hurt him to see her remembering her past, but at the same time he was incredibly proud of her. Erin was like a daughter to him, he'd loved and raised her like his own since she was fourteen and he was glad he did.

"Thanks, Hank", she said and he knew she meant it.

As Erin entered the room, she noticed a disgusting smell and the dirt in all the corners of the room. She sighed, remembering how she used to basically live in rooms like that. There was a couch on the other end of the room. Erin walked over. She looked at the girl sitting there, half unconscious.

"Nadia, hey", Erin said, soft but firmly. She barely touched the girl's shoulder.

"You came", Nadia said a little surprised, slowly waking up.

"Of course", Erin replied, giving her a weak smile, "Let's get you outta here."

She ignored the other people in the room, right now she needed to take care of Nadia. They walked out and Erin helped Nadia getting into the car, when her phone started ringing. She looked at the screen. Halstead. 'This has to wait', she thought, declining his call, before she got into the driver's seat and started her car. The phone rang again. Erin took a quick look at Nadia, who definitely couldn't stand the ringtone.

'One thing at a time', Lindsay thought before she turned her phone off.

"Thanks for... everything", Nadia whispered before she passed out again.

Erin just nodded, knowing the girl couldn't hear her anyways. She remembered how she met Nadia for the first time, and how she tried to get her clean back then. It wasn't too long ago actually. She had dropped her off in front of a clinic, but Nadia chose the drugs. Apparently she wanted to change now. Erin had given her her card back then, but Nadia lost it. Still, she'd called the precinct and asked around until she got on the phone with Voight, who then called Erin.

'Maybe Nadia really wants it. She's definitely strong enough', Erin thought, proud of the fact that she did it herself. It took a while, and she needed help, but she had gotten clean and she was doing great now.

* * *

'Voicemail. Awesome', Jay thought to himself. Was she serious? Why the hell didn't she pick up? She was probably already regretting last night and totally overreacting.

"Come on, Lindsay", Jay mumbled, hardly audible.

_Voicemail again._

He really wanted to stay this morning, talk to her about... well... about the thing that they have. It's not like they could really be a couple, they both pretty much sucked at this whole relationship- thing. But it's definitely a thing.

_Voicemail again._

They want each other, and they.. care for each other. A lot. They really like each other. A lot. Jay didn't dare thinking of love, though. He didn't really believe in it. Right now he couldn't care anyways.

_Voicemail again._

He wasn't gonna freak out on her or anything. He just needed her to pick up the phone already. He really needed her right now. He couldn't handle what Voight had called him in for. He was furious and he needed someone to talk to, otherwise this wasn't gonna end well. So yeah, he needed her. As a partner. As his best friend.

_Voicemail again._

He couldn't handle this. Jay was freaking out on the inside. He wasn't sure if he could call anyone else.  
Voight? No way in hell.  
Olinsky? Not really.  
Ruzek? Maybe. But they weren't the greatest friends.  
Antonio? Jay remembered talking to Antonio about it once. He didn't want to drag him into this, though. Besides, he knew Antonio spend every free minute with Diego, since the whole drama.  
Burgess? Nah, they weren't close.  
Atwater? Not really.  
So who was left? Erin.

_Voicemail again._

But no, she didn't pick up the freaking phone.

'What's next?', Jay asked himself. He didn't want to do anything stupid, but wasn't sure how to keep himself from it. The best thing he could come up with was a bar. He wasn't supposed to have alcohol with his meds, but he couldn't really care about that right now. It can't be too bad to mix it, right?

* * *

**AN: It can't be too bad to mix it, or can it? I'm pretty sure that's not the best idea. Oh boy. **

**Hope you liked the chapter, please leave a review. :)**


	11. Chapter 11

**So this is kind of short, sorry. I hope you like it though! xoxo**

**I don't own Chicago PD.**

* * *

He had tried to call her one last time before he entered the bar, but once again he listened to her voicemail. Didn't she get that he needed her right now? Damn it. At first he wanted to go to Molly's, but they probably knew about his injury and wouldn't give him the alcohol he clearly needed right now. Good thing he lived in a city with lots of bars.

* * *

After bringing Nadia to bed, making sure she was warm enough and had everything she needed once she woke up, Erin turned her phone back on. She had several missed calls from Jay. Great. For a while, she stood in the middle of her living room area, debating whether she should call him back. In the end she decided to do it.

It rang at least 7 times, before Jay finally picked up.

"Listen Jay, this is a really bad timing, I have some stuff going on right now and I just don't have time for all of this. It's better we just keep it professional", Erin said, not even giving him the chance to explain why he called. She didn't really mean the last part, but she knew it was better for them, considering their partnership.

"Yeeeah. Totally", Jay said on the other end of the line.

"What the hell!", Erin nearly screamed in the phone. Remembering that Nadia was sleeping in her bedroom, she added a little quieter, but still in disbelief, "Have you been drinking?"

"That's my business, ya know. Good thing we keep it professional, Detective Lindsay", he snapped, then hung up.

* * *

Way into his drinking session, Erin had finally called him back. He wasn't exactly able to explain why he called, but he didn't need to since she didn't give him the chance anyways. He was right from the beginning, Erin was totally freaking out about last night. Still, it took him a moment to understand what she'd told him. He couldn't help but feel hurt over these words.

'Better we just keep it professional'? For real? After hanging up on Erin and turning his phone off, he ordered another drink.

* * *

'Ugh', she sighed. This was not supposed to go like that. This was not what she had planned. Then again, nothing was like she had planned it. She hadn't planned on getting a partner like him, on letting him in so much, on enjoying spending time with him, and not at all on sleeping with him. Yet most of all, she hadn't planned on falling for him. She hadn't seen it coming either. Of course there were some sort of feelings, and definitely attraction and chemistry between the two of them, but she never thought she'd actually fall for him as hard as she did. And now she'd ruined it. 'Shit', she thought, checking on Nadia once again before writing her a note and leaving her place. She had to talk to him. Now.

* * *

He'd stopped counting his drinks a while ago. Amazingly, the alcohol didn't have any special effect, mixed with his pills. It just seemed to make him more depressed than drunk. To be honest, he'd started drinking to forget about basically everything that had happened today, to feel good for a night, but it hadn't worked out and now Jay really didn't feel good at all, but he couldn't put his finger on why that was. Maybe he was drunk, maybe he shouldn't have mixed booze and meds, maybe it was Erin, maybe it was Voight's talk this morning. Maybe it was a little bit of all. His mind drifted of to the morning he'd had.

It was the best morning in a long time. For once he had slept through the night, well, some of it at least. He woke up to Erin stirring in his arms. Even though he would have had no problem staying like that, he got up. He wasn't exactly sure what last night meant to her and he didn't really plan on asking. The whole 'talking-about-your-feelings'-thing was really not his strength. But he was in his own apartment after all and couldn't just leave. He checked his phone, that was still laying on the coffee table and saw a text from Voight. 'Maybe not the best one, but definitely a way out of here', he thought, grabbing his stuff. He was just about to leave his place, when he remembered that Erin was still there. He wrote a quick note, hoping she wouldn't freak out about his words and then went out the door, leaving her back alone.

* * *

'Great', she thought, as she walked back into her apartment. Jay didn't pick up the phone although she'd tried to call him at least thirty times. He wasn't at his place and not at Molly's either, which meant he could be anywhere and she had no clue how to find him. Well then, she had to wait till work and talk to him then. She opened her bedroom door to check on Nadia, but the only thing she saw were her messed up sheets.

"Nadia, I'm back", she called out. No response.

"Are you alright?", she continued, walking to her kitchen. The note was still sitting on the counter.

"Nadia", she yelled now. Panic overcame her as she slowly realized that there was nobody here.

'No, no, no, no!', she thought, dialing Nadia's number, 'Come on, pick up. This can't be happening!'

* * *

**They really have some stuff to figure out. Let's hope they will do it together... :)**


	12. Chapter 12

**I was so mad that there was no new episode last week. And because I'm on vacation from Wednesday on, I can't watch CPD!  
Anyway, I hope you like this chapter. I'm probably going to add one or two more chapters and then the story is done.  
xoxo**

* * *

"You okay?"

Jay had been sitting here for a while now, but no one had talked to him so far. For the first time since he ordered the first drink he looked up.

"It's just you look...well..."

Still not saying a word, Jay looked at the person in front of him.

"Bartenders are known for being good listeners, ya know?", the man said, easily juggling with three silver cups. As he poured the contents of two of them in two tall glasses and divided the third on both of them, he continued, "Look man, you've been here all night long and, I mean, I'm not a shrink or anything, but it's pretty obvious that something's wrong."

"What do you care?", Jay asks dryly.

"I don't. But it's early morning and you're the last costumer, and I just love a good story", the bartender said jokingly, emphasizing the word 'love', "So, wanna talk about it?", he finished off the drinks with half a lime and two straws and then gave one of them to Jay, keeping the other one to himself. As Jay didn't answer him, he decided to dig a little deeper.

"Stress on the job?"

"I guess."

"Stress at home?"

"Kind of."

"Stress with the girls?"

"You could say so."

"You have a lot going on, huh?", even though the bartender started this whole thing as fun, you could hear his voice get sadder, and more serious with every question.

Jay just nodded slightly, then chuckled. He wasn't exactly the kind of person to talk about his problems, and if he'd ever talk about it, about all the memories that keep him up at night, he thought it would be Erin he told it to.

"I'm going insane", the words left his mouth before he even got the chance to think about them. It was the truth, though. He hadn't slept through a night, since he came back from the war, his nightmares keeping him awake. Every night when he closed his eyes, he saw bombs blowing up or his own men die, and the nights he didn't dream of the war, he saw this picture of a little boy, Ben – dead. He squinted his eyes in pain, thinking about it.

"You know what they say; Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results", the bartender stated, bringing Jay back to the here and now.

"They say so?", he raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah. Well, actually Einstein said so"

"Bartender quoting Einstein?"

"Never judge a book by its cover. There's always more to it, you know? To everything, to everyone. And especially to everything everyone says."

"Got any more advice for me?"

"Never eat yellow snow. Learned that one the hard way", glad to see Jay smiling he continued, in a serious tone, "Keeping it in won't help."

"Right", Jay nodded slightly, the smile vanishing from his face, "You know what, I think I gotta go."

The bartender gave him a smile that said 'Happy to help' as Jay put some money on the counter, grabbed his jacket and left.

* * *

_There is more to everything everyone says_. Repeating these words over and over in his mind, he walks up the stairs to his apartment. What if she didn't mean what she said? What if she really had something going on? What if this was her form of defense? What if maybe she needed him right now? What if all she really wanted, was for him to come over? What if she needed him to show her, how much she meant to him? Maybe that was it... or maybe he just lost all his sanity.

"Hey", her husky voice caught him off guard.

Unable to sort his thoughts, he got his keys out of his pocket without saying a word. As he turned the key in the lock he caught a glance of her. She was sitting on the stairs, her back leaning against the wall, her arms wrapped around her own legs. Her eyes were red, which told him she'd been crying, even though she probably wouldn't admit it. As he looked at her, he could see her pain, her fear, her vulnerability and her beauty, her raw, hidden and yet so obvious beauty.

As she sat there, watching him walk up the stairs, all of her doubts came back. She was being a bitch to him earlier, even though she didn't mean to. Of course she didn't want to 'keep it professional'. She never wanted that in the first place, but with work and Voight she figured it'd be easier. After last night it was clear that they could never just be partners. There was a thing between them and it was hard to describe. But she could feel it, every time when she looked at him or when he touched her. It has always been there. And right now, with everything that happened today, she felt like he was the only person who could make her night better.

But it was foolish of her to think he would forgive her... or was it? Just as she thought that he would just completely ignore her, he reached one of his hands to her and pulled her to her feet. For a moment they were standing so close that she could smell the alcohol on his breath. As their eyes met, the air was so full of emotion it was hard to breathe. She had to break the gaze after just two seconds. Looking down to her feet, she felt tears filling up her eyes.

He opened the door and followed her in, thinking of a way to say all those things that he needed to tell her, all those things that he needed her to know. That he'd missed her today, that he can't stand fighting with her, that last night meant the world to him, that he's been trough hell and holding her in his arms made it better, that he needed her and that he wanted her as so much more than just his partner.

As they reached his living room, she stopped in front of the couch and turned around. "Jay", her voice broke and it came out as a whisper, as she looked up at him. Instinctively he stepped closer and wrapped his arms around her. Although he had mixed feelings about this whole situation, he knew she needed him right now. And to be honest, no matter how hard he tried, he could never possibly be mad at her.

His thoughts were interrupted by the feeling of her lips crushing on his, the suddenness causing him to lose his balance and fall on his sofa, with her on top of him. Completely perplex he pulled away, "Erin.." he looked at her. He hadn't expected her to talk to him, since she was, much like him, one of those people who would rather keep it in, but a kiss? He was confused.

"Shh..", she whispered, as she laid two fingers on his mouth. After a moment she took them away and kissed him again.

For a split second he felt the urge of pulling away again, told himself it was wrong. She was emotional and he shouldn't take advantage of her. But feeling her close was good, so instead he decided to enjoy. He deepened the kiss, as one of his hand cupped her face, the other one moving up and down her back. Tonight, he needed her just as much as she needed him.

* * *

**I hope you liked it, please leave a review, tell me what you think! :)**


	13. Chapter 13

**I was on vacation, so I couldn't update, but here you go! I hope you enjoy it! xoxo**

* * *

For the past two weeks, Erin and Jay had spent night for night in each others arms, being there for one another, giving the other one the feeling of stability and safety. They didn't talk much, at least not about Nadia, Ben or Jay's nightmares, and they didn't need to. All they needed was each other.

But this morning was different. When Erin woke up, Jay was already in the kitchen, making breakfast.

"You're up early.", she stated as she walked slowly towards the table.

"First day back at work, too excited to sleep in. Finally actually doing something again!"

_Shit_, thought Erin. She had totally forgotten about that. Jay was going back to work today, which made things... complicated. They didn't talk about their little arrangement and so far that had worked out perfectly fine, but now that he was back on the job... She wasn't sure what was gonna happen.

"Don't worry", Jay said as he saw the look on Erin's face. "This", he motioned to the space in between the two of them, "is whatever you want it to be. And you sure don't want it to be public.", he finished with a little smile on his face.

Unable to respond to that, Erin nodded in agreement. He was right, she didn't want it to be public. But the way he said 'i_t's whatever you want it to be'_ sounded like he didn't even care – and for some reason that shot a pain through her body. She couldn't determine where the pain was coming from, but it hurt. It just hurt. If she didn't know better she would have guessed her heart just broke a little, but she would have to have real, deep feelings for Jay for that to happen, and she didn't have those... or did she?

Shaking her head a little to clear it, Erin walked over to the counter and grabbed the plate Jay was holding out to her. This was gonna be an interesting day.

Erin and Jay stopped by her apartment before heading to work, so she could get a change of clothes. Even though she had a bunch of stuff at Jay's place by now, none of it was to wear for work.

As they walked into the station, Erin's mind was still busy, trying to make sense of Jay. _"It's whatever you want it to be."_ She repeated the sentence over and over in her head, while she wondered why she even cared so much. She should be glad and thankful, instead she felt hurt by it. She couldn't stop thinking about it, until she ran into someone. Looking up, she saw the familiar face.

"Kelly." It was a mix of a statement and a question, surprised, happy and confused at the same time.

"Yeah." the firefighter smiled down at her.

"What are you doing here?"

"Oh you know, just checking if you're still alive." he said, laughing a little at the look of confusion on her face before he continued, "You kinda let me down for our date and I figured you had a reason, I thought you'd just call sometime, but now after three weeks I wasn't sure if you're dead or if you just hate me." he said a little accusingly, giving her a warm smile that showed her he wasn't mad at all.

"Oh my god. I'm so sorry, Kel. I totally forgot. I'm so, so sorry.", she said, as she was genuinely sorry for never even texting him.

"No problem, just glad you're okay. I gotta run, the guys are waiting outside." he said, slightly stroking over her arm. "Hey, you should text me sometime.. well, if you don't forget, that is.", he said walking out, giving her one last laugh.

The day went by slowly, as they had nothing really to do. Still, Erin could see how Jay enjoyed being back at work, instead of laying on the couch all day watching TV. Before she could start thinking about the past two weeks again, her phone rang. A text. From Kelly.

_'Figured you'd forget it again. Any plans tonight?'_

Erin couldn't help but smile a little. Maybe a little distraction from whatever she had going on with Jay would be good, she thought as she typed the answer.

_'I guess now I do. Molly's at 7?'_

_'Can't wait'_, appeared a few seconds later on her screen.

* * *

As planned, Erin walked into Molly's at 7 pm sharp. The fireman was already sitting at a table, relatively far from the bar.

"Hey", he smiled at her, as she walked closer, "Didn't want Herrmann to listen to every word we say.", he joked, getting louder and turning his head towards his colleague.

"Oh, whatever.", Herrmann laughed.

The night went on with small talk and drinks, a little laughter now and then. All in all, it was a good night out. Although she had to admit she was having a good time, right now in this moment – sitting there with Kelly, drinking a beer, looking out on the street – there was nothing she wanted more than going over to Jay's, laying in his arms, feel his skin against her skin, his lips against her lips. She shook her head and looked back at Kelly, smiling.

It was probably around midnight when Kelly made a comment about being tired. Erin just nodded in agreement. They got up, and like the gentleman he is, Kelly opened the door for her. They walked down the stairs and she turned around to him to say goodbye, just as he opened the cab door for her. They stood so close, their faces were only inches apart.

And then it happened. He closed in and kissed her. Just like that, without a warning. In the few seconds the kiss lasted, a million thoughts ran through her head. The biggest one being that she should probably enjoy this, Kelly was a nice guy and really handsome. But she couldn't help but feel like she was betraying Jay. And then it hit her. The past two weeks playing house with him meant so much more than she would ever admit to herself. She was trying to fight the feelings that were clearly there. She had hoped that friendship plus was enough for her, that she didn't need this whole relationship thing to happen. But now she realized how much she wanted it, now, that she was standing here kissing another guy.

* * *

He was sitting in his apartment, waiting for her to show up. It was way past midnight by now, and he knew she wouldn't come, still he waited. Was it because of this morning? Did she see that as her last chance to get out of... their thing? That was what Jay had intended anyways, or wasn't it? He wanted her to make a choice. He wanted her to either stay with him or get out before he could get his hopes up too high, but apparently that already happened. He wanted more than a partnership from the beginning, more than a friendship once he got to know her and more than just sex since she's been there for him that one night. He had hoped she wanted the same. Sitting there, he realized that he actually thought she did, considering the past two weeks. But all those hopes, dreams, thoughts were shattered now, because she took the first possible way out. Well, maybe that's for the better, Jay thought.

Hours later he still sat on his couch, although now he didn't wait for her anymore, instead he tried to figure out a way to survive working with her, like nothing ever happened, like he didn't even care she just broke his heart.

* * *

**I think this story will be finished soon. Just a couple more chapters. :)**

**And I'm also going to continue 'Fifteen', as soon as inspiration hits me. :b**

**Please leave a review guys! Hope you liked it! :) xo**


	14. Chapter 14

**I'm sorry, this update took foreeeeever! I hope you enjoy it anyways, let me know what you're thinking. :) **

**It's pretty late at night, so I'm sure there are a few typos in there. Sorry for that.**

**I still don't own Chicago PD, or Fire.**

**Hope you like it. I think there is going to be one more chapter and that's it. Enjoy! xoxo**

* * *

This morning, Erin had procrastinated going to work. She didn't want to face Jay today, it was just to complicated. She was still trying to process what happened last night, trying to figure out the feelings she believed she had, trying to find a way to talk to him. As she walked into the precinct, a minute before her shift began, she crossed the last of the three off of her mental to-do-list. She held in and nearly dropped the coffee, as she watched a smiling Jay hug a tall, pretty blonde. What the hell? Their first night 'off' and he immediately shacks up with some blonde slut? Then again, who was she to judge? Wasn't she the one who kissed a fireman last night? But at least she didn't show it off to all of her coworkers like he did.

"So good to see you", she heard the blonde say, as she walked closer.

The blonde woman pulled away from Jay's hug, and gave him a smile, then walked out of the precinct. "Hi", she smiled at Erin as they passed each other. Erin awkwardly smiled back.

Without even greeting each other, they walked up the stairs to Intelligence in silence. The day passed slowly, without any talking. Once in a while one of them looked up from the paperwork, wanting to say something, clear the air or at least make it less awkward.

He looked up one more time. There she was, Erin Lindsay, the girl of his dreams, sitting only a few feet away from him. All he needed to do was get off his ass, walk over and tell her. Everything. He was actually considering doing it, when Voight stormed out of his office.

"One of my CI's just called in. Looks like one of Bower's friends is taking over his business. Deal's supposed to go down in a bit. Erin, Halstead, Jin sent you the address on your phones, go check it out, look if something's going on.", he ordered, before rushing right back into his office and closing the door. The two of them got up, walking down the steps, feeling the questioning looks of their team members lingering on them. It wasn't going unnoticed how distant the two of them had been all day.

Getting into the car, both of them were desperately looking for a way to handle this situation. Without freaking out at each other and without pouring out their emotions. But there was none.

"Don't Ruzek and Olinsky usually do the observation stuff?", Jay said after a couple of minutes, trying to make a joke, his voice loud as it broke the silence.

No answer. Erin pulled into a parking lot, across the street from the address they were given. They walked into one of the buildings and went straight to the top. Positioning herself on the edge of the building, she looked over to her partner. There he was. Jay Halstead, probably the guy for her. So close, yet so far. All she had to do now was lean over, turn his face towards hers and kiss him. No yelling. No fighting. No big talk. Just a kiss, that would say so much more than she could. She took her eyes off him and focused on the job. He made his choice, she thought.

Hours passed and nothing happened. Not a single word was said either. The tension was killing her. Both of them actually. They were about to pack their stuff together and head back to the precinct, when one of the phones laying between them started buzzing. Picking up the iPhone, Jay's facial expression suddenly changed.  
"Severide? Are you fucking serious?", he said. As much as he wanted to keep this inside, he couldn't. Severide. Was she seriously hooking up with that guy? That's what she had left him for?

"What the hell are you doing with my phone?"

"Severide. Of course. How could I be that stupid?", he was more thinking out loud than actually talking to her.

"You are the one who ended things, okay?", Erin raised her voice, feeling the sudden urge to defend herself.

"What the..? When did I end anything? What the hell are you talking about?", a look of confusion spread across his face.

"You know exactly what I'm.."

"No, I don't. C'mon Lindsay. Explain it to me.", she was cut off by an angry Jay.

"I don't have time for this, Halstead.", she said, now being snappy herself.

"Right, right. Too much to do with your fireman."

"He's not MY fireman. There's nothing going on between us."

"Yeah, that's why you text him instead of talking to your … talking to me."

"Just forget it, Jay.", by now they were both yelling.

"I wish I could...", he said, the change in tone and his sudden vulnerability making her feel even worse. As much as he tried to stop himself, he couldn't help but open the message. His tone changed once again. This time it was cold, distant. "You know what, screw this. I don't need this shit. You go and be happy with your firefighter."

What the hell?, she thought at the sight of Jay putting her phone down and storming towards the staircase. "What was that?", she mumbled, as she picked her phone up from the now empty spot next to her, and read the words that had made Jay act so weird.

_'Thanks for last night! Mind if I drop by tonight?'_

Feeling torn inside about what to do next, she quickly typed a reply to Kelly, packed up her stuff and went after Jay, who, of course, was long gone. Not knowing where he went, she decided to go back to the precinct.

* * *

It was close to 8pm, when she heard the knock on her door. Although she exactly knew it wasn't her partner, she was still hoping for it. As she opened the door, she looked at the handsome man before her, and smiled. She had to do this. Now. "Come on in, Kel."

* * *

He didn't go back to the precinct after their fight, afraid to see her again. But this couldn't go on like that. He needed to talk to her, no matter if he wanted to or not. They had to find a way. She had to tell him what was going on between them.

As he pulled up to her apartment building, he tried to come up with the right words to say. He parked his car next to a small blue one, and got out, just to get right back in. Severide's car. He was here. With her. Doing whatever they were doing. Jay could feel something breaking inside of him. It had hurt when she didn't come over last night. But knowing that she was with another man right now, it was tearing him apart. He started his car again and made his way back to his place. As he passed some of the many bars of Chicago, he considered going in and drinking away his pain. Remembering how that had made him feel last time, he decided against it and went home instead. This night, Jay couldn't get a minute of sleep. There was something missing. Someone missing.

* * *

**Hope you liked it. And yes, I left something like a little cliffhanger there. Right now, this could end as a Linseride story. Just saying. :p**

**Please leave a review guys, tell me what you thought! xoxo**


End file.
